Letting Go

Tonight I am feeling sad - poignant - oldest son - 25 - has been home with us for 2 and half weeks and is heading back to London, England tomorrow. He loves it there and I'm happy for him but it is such a big ocean between us.

We've had a lovely time over the holidays -all five children home. Laughter, food, board games until the wee hours, a lot of funny "remember whens" - a house bursting at the seams with teenagers and 20 somethings.

Is it my age or what? but I keep looking at them and remembering when they were little and it brings me to tears. I miss when they were small and tucked up every night in bed. I loved to go in and pray over them while they slept - such a depth of love and longing that each one would be safe in the Lord - and would love and serve Him with all their hearts.

I miss their little voices - their funny stories - their sweet expressions of love. One little story keeps coming to mind- my middle boy seeing me in my slip with a lacy edge saying with awe "Mommy you're so beautiful"

Maybe that's it...although I am indescribably proud of the wonderful young men and woman that my children are becoming I miss being at the center of their world...

They have been the center of my world for so long.

What a gift to be a mother. We carry them in our bodies for nine months - protecting them as they grow and develop - bring them into the world in pain and tears but with such joy - tenderly feed them from our own bodies nestled close to our hearts. Who can ever forget those sweet, little faces - the tiny hand touching our cheek - the sweet little milky grins? We watch them grow - wipe away their tears - treasure the little love offerings - the dandelions clutched so proudly in the grubby fist - the crayon drawings on the fridge - the school reports - the hockey trophies - the music festival ribbons.

We agonize with them in their disappointments - the hurts.

And we pray - has anything motivated me more to pray than love for these five treasures from the Lord? Nothing... thank You Father.

And then we launch them out into the world.

I see them go so bravely and eagerly

and though they go I am still holding them - right in my heart - always.

I have only one prayer - that He who gave them to me will be the center of their lives.

" I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."

I have been so happy being the mother of these children and it feels so hard to let them go - though I will - even smiling through these tears. I'm not the center any longer and I really don't want to be. This is as it should be.

just tonight it feels hard...